(Its Megan writing)

Chad Clark Warren passed away peacefully on Saturday night (November 28th, 2009) at 7:30pm.

He was comfortable, sleeping and most importantly surrounded with people who love him. 

Details for the service will follow.
Posted by Chad Warren at 12:35 AM

Good morning Team Chad. 

I just wanted to post a note and say, that Chad is resting nicely. 

While our warrior sleeps and re-gains his strength, I wont write for him, but I will keep writing - I will try to keep my postings as up to date as I can...so feel free to check in. 

(www.megansfairy-tale.blogspot.com)

Go Chad go.

Posted by Chad Warren at 8:45 AM

I lay there emotionless and exhausted while they stick me, sit me up, sit me down, replace bandages, shoot saline up my nose, fill me full of fluids while trying to take some out. Almost everyday I will be going in to the hospital - one day for hemodialysis the next for a multiple myeloma drug called Velcaid. I will begin taking high dose steroids every few days in conjuction with another mm drug called Thalidomide which I will take daily. This is not going to be easy with a bad heart and failing kidneys. I'm grateful something is happening but frightened to be at this stage. Things happpen so quickly and right now there isn't the time or energy to be worried about much of anything. I am not myself and may not be for a little while to come. Having a shower and making it down to the car where my dad waits for me each day takes it all out of me. I'm having trouble holding a conversation but deep down I know what I'm doing. I'm preserving myself, storing up my energy so I can continue to fight another day.

Posted by Chad Warren at 11:17 PM

Today proved to be more challenging than most. I'm carrying too much fluid and it's affecting me greatly. It was a big day with multiple appointments that would take me all over the hospital. My dad has been driving me to and from appointments during the week when Meg is working. He picked me up mid morning and dropped me at the front of the hospital. He always asks if he can stay and help but I hate inconveniencing people and often say no. Over the years I've spent much of my time in hospital alone despite all the support I have just because it's easier that way...sometimes. My first chore was to get a chest x-ray so in I went to take my seat in the waiting room. As I waited I knew I wasn't well and was going to have serious trouble getting through the day. A few moments later I could see the outline of my dad walking toward me...I felt so relieved. First thing he did was get me an iced tea for my cotton mouth...so good. A father knows his son and he ended up spending the whole day with me wheeling me around the hospital from appointment to appointment. He's very patient considering hospitals are the last place either of us want to be. He got me through this day like so many before.

Posted by Chad Warren at 11:19 PM

The past few weeks has become one long continuous day. I take it hour by hour constantly shifting looking for the longest amount of relief I can get out of one position. Sometimes I sit up, sometimes even stand but mostly laying propped up on my back. I enjoy it when I'm well enough to walk to the car for an appointment. It's more like a swagger cause I feel like a pimp in my baggy sweat pants and hoody. It never lasts quickly turning into a panicked shuffle as I become short of breath desperate to sit down. The pain meds are masking reality and giving me some comfort. I've been non existent to Megan just a drone who mutters occasional non sense. Bedtime means nothing just a continuation of the day as I slip in and out of a medicated state. I'm up every hour to pee, pace or move into a new resting position. Sometimes I turn on the radio, read or maybe listen to the TV. The background noise dictates some entertaining dreamlike scenarios for me...which I enjoy as I know I'm getting some rest. What will it be tonight?...maybe a good eighties movie where Corey Haim and I can battle teenage angst or a cooking show that makes me so hungry I wake up craving an exotic food I've never heard of!? 

Speaking of craving my buddy Jesse came by tonight with fresh Cactus Club thai wings something I've been craving all week. He and the family are heading back down south tomorrow after a week long visit. Sad to see them go but looking forward to heading down that way to spend some time someday soon. Jesse and I always have good talks, talks that you only have with a few people in your life. He's always been like a brother to me and I'm so proud of the life he has created for himself...he deserves it.

Posted by Chad Warren at 11:10 PM

Taking a break from the hospital room last night I had coffee with my dear friend Christy. I was telling her about the good, the bad, the ugly of Chad and I's situation. Although I was talking lots I was also having a hard time figuring out how to properly describe how this situation and relationship feels. 

Then she said it. Once sentence and it was as though she had taken all the messy medley of my thoughts and put it into one sentence."Its as though you are in a threesome - a polygamist threesome".Exactly. Chad and I have three people in our relationship. Chad. Me. and Myeloma. 

I love 'whoever' he comes with. I came into this relationship almost 5 years ago knowing very well there was another component to it. Chad had already had a pre-existing lifetime partnership with Myeloma. I am ok with that. I know what I signed up for. 

As our years together went on and his health improved, I became number one in the relationship. Once in awhile, Myeloma would come back and I'd have to share him with 'her' again. 

Sometimes 'she' would take priority and I'd be left there waiting for him to come back. Since his transplant and recovery - I have been the favourite. We had a brilliant summer together and a totally exclusive relationship. I was sooo happy. 

Then September came around and 'she' came back. The threesome was on. We embraced it for a few months, him, her, me...trying to find a balance...but Im afraid in the last week, 'she' is full priority and I am left waiting. 

'She' is far more powerful than I and I understand why he makes 'her' such a priority. He has to. I would have it no other way. That doesnt mean it doesnt hurt. It hurts knowing that he doesnt have energy to spend with me because he is so busy working on the relationship with 'her'. 

Yesterday was the first day (in what has felt like months - but really only a week) that Chad and I spent the day together, and Myeloma took the back seat. 

We laughed. He rubbed my back when I sat next to him. He held my hand. We kissed again. I left the hospital feeling so happy. - And even though I know when I left he spent the night alone with 'her' again, I know he loves me. I know that 'she' will leave again and we'll be together soon.

Posted by Chad Warren at 10:50 PM

I realize I can only control so much in my life. I control how I approach each day and the situations that arise, how I treat people and what I put in to my body. Life can become pretty simple when it seems most complicated. There isn't time to think about the negative, no time to be angry just time to appreciate everything and everyone around me. I can't say enough about how happy it has made me to read the words of so many people I love and respect. 

Today I was desperate to get some relief, could no longer think straight...I needed help. I had my scheduled appointment at the BMT day care unit,renamed the Krall Center after Diana Krall's mother who passed of Multiple Myeloma several years ago. Diana and her family have been a huge support putting on extravagant events to raise money for the center. I've been lucky enough to meet her and her family - fantastic people. Anyway my friend Katharine came over this morning to help me out...cause I'm a useless tit. She was great - I wasn't up to talking much but she got me food and to get ready for clinic. I'd been anticipating this appointment for days as I've become more and more uncomfortable. My dad picked me up and stayed with me to help sort things out. I was lucky today to get two of my favorite nurses. It makes such a difference, I've known them a long time and respect them immensely. They listen to me whine about everything and soon enough the doctors came in. Right away they put be on a med to drain fluid from my body which causes serious discomfort to a person with cardiac problems. They wrote me a prescription for hydromorphone which takes the edge off and masks the real issues...fine with me. They set me up with appointments to see everyone following my case, what more can I ask.

My lead doctor came by for a visit and is working hard to find something for me. He's hoping early next week knowing I can't wait much longer. My dad asked lots of questions and I was grateful to have him there. We know they're doing their best but we have to keep pushing them. I will go back in on Sunday for blood and platelet transfusions and Monday I will see the various specialists. As long as something is happening I have a chance...
Posted by Chad Warren at 8:53 PM

Having hard time getting comfortable and hoping tomorrow they'll give me something to take the edge off....something powerful. Still no word on treatment and things aren't getting better. It's unexplainable feeling yourself being destroyed from the inside out. Each day I become weaker but never giving up hope just wondering when something is going to happen. Every little ache or pain I assume the worst always reading in to what's going on. Getting up to the bathroom or kitchen is my workout and once I'm up it feels good to stand. I think if I can get on some pain relief it will put me at ease. It's draining never getting a break, not being able to sleep. I've been sleeping out on the couch cause it's the only way I can stay propped up - the most comfortable position for me right now. Meg has been coming out to sleep on the other couch just to help comfort me...what do I say about that. We are doing our best and seem to have a good system going right now. 

I'm overwhelmed by the messages I've been receiving so know that I read them all with a smile. Right now it's game time and all my energy goes to this.

Posted by Chad Warren at 2:18 PM