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Waiting for a Donor

12/30/2001

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It was a very strange time while I waited for a donor. For some reason, I was never worried that a donor may never be found. I knew I had at least three months of taking each day and living them to their fullest. I developed an enormous appetite from the steroids and I looked forward to every meal. I also began playing golf almost daily. I would drive my girlfriend to work every morning at 7am and that’s when my day began. I would clean the house then find someone to go to brunch with. Then I would either golf or go on long motorcycle rides. I continued working out, using much lighter weights and going at a pace that I felt my body could handle.

After some time passed I began to accept the fact that death can happen at any time to anyone. I may be staring down the barrel of the gun, but it hasn’t gone off.

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Fitness and sports have always been a large part of my life and I wanted to go in to the transplant as fit as possible without overdoing it. I would do a circuit of weights and 15 to 20 minutes on the stair master at least 3 or 4 times a week. It made me feel normal to keep that part of my life going. Since I was no longer working I had nothing but time to think and prepare. My girlfriend and I became closer than ever. Any girl who could put up with me, especially during that time, had to be a very special and patient person.

Once you can accept the consequences it is time to be a survivor and I am, and always will be, a survivor.

The steroids gave me incredible mood swings and I gave Katharine a hard time. She never held it against me, she just kept loving me. I found that I had a hard time winding down at night so I began using marijuana nightly and I would recommend it to anyone. I may have taken it to the extreme over those few months, but there were lots of laughs and it mellowed me out. It was a big help at that time and a large part in keeping my mind from what I call the dark shadows.
This was a feeling I had the moment I was diagnosed and anytime my mind would start taking me through hell. I didn’t want to die and it was a strong possibility. After some time passed I began to accept the fact that death can happen at any time to anyone. I may be starting down the barrel of the gun, but it hasn’t gone off. Those dark shadows will always come and go but I learned to deal with them better. What scared me more than death was the thought of not growing old with Katharine. It hurts so intensely I can’t bear to write about it. It is my mission for that not to happen. Once you can accept the consequences it is time to be a survivor and I am, and always will be, a survivor. 

Katharine and I had an amazing couple of months before my hospitalization. We were on our five day vacation in Penticton and the weather was gorgeous. I wasn’t supposed to be in the sun because of some antibiotic I was on. I didn’t obey and we were at the lake everyday. I checked my messages one afternoon at the beach and my doctor was on my voice mail. They had found a match and I was to enter the hospital August 8 to begin my three days of chemo and three days of total body radiation. My transplant was to be on the night of August 15.
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    Chad Warren

    Chad wrote in two journals over the years. Some passages set goals or track his medical progress, others reflect back and tell the story of his diagnosis and the struggle of living with multiple myeloma. Throughout, there are his thoughts on how to get the most out of life, no matter what.

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